The Hat.........

April is a month of remembrance for our family.  In this month five years ago our family welcomed two precious young girls into our home through foster care and then adoption.  Their story is one they will tell in their own time and my story, is one I will share.  I see throughout the months and years how faithful God has been, and I can't help but share my greatest joys and pains on this journey of life as an adoptive mother.

 As a mother it is natural to want to give and do all things possible to help your child.  And that is what I have done for five years.  In my best efforts we have loved, given safety, and structure in our home.  My list has been continually filled with the best doctors, the best therapists, the best diet and safe medication.  Schooling and education is so very important in the mix of learning how a child's brain can often be wired, after coming out of a situation of severe abuse and neglect.  All neurological development is altered.  There are no factual concrete answers for the journey.  The labels quickly fly at you as you sit in that chair at the doctor's office.  Reactive attachment disorder, autism, ADD, ADHD, and the list goes on.  Every doctor has a new thought on how to normalize your situation.  All this factors into a big migraine and many nights of wetting the "mommy" pillow as you sit up and ponder and pray for direction.

 Your thoughts are filled with children playing, running, getting into trouble as curiousity overcomes the desire to obey. Children who have a desire to live and dance, and laugh as they grow. Children ask for food when they are hungry.   Children want a drink. Children play.  Child imagine. Children create.  They mature into a mindset that dresses, cares for, and at times, worships self.  They have instinct to ask and a yearning to live life. It all is suppose to unfold in those first years and follow into the years to come.  In the first years I saw none of that.

 In my experience, the moments have been much different.  The course much harder then I have ever dreamed.  A distance, a quiet,  confusion. Many doctor appointments and pain to fix the consequences of neglect. Instead of colorful art, I saw many dark black lines and strokes.  When abuse and neglect grab a hold of a young innocent life and make it's mark it takes "all" away.  And this mommy has seen and lived through the darkness of it's stain. The purity, innocence, and joy are gone.  Not all children enter this world into a rose garden.  Not all children enter this world into a garden of Eden.

The days are about small successes, one more hug, communication and a desire to attach to life and those surrounding the child. A big smile means so much.  A statement of liking someone and feeling safe.  The joys of celebrating when one more day has come and gone without an outburst of fear or tantrums.  A day when you see them pick up that teddy bear and smile as they hug it back, showing you that for this day they know and can understand love.  The first time they trust you to let them go on that bike w/o training wheels.  The days where you walk by their room and you catch them singing Jesus loves me this I know, because they think no one is listening. It all is counted joy around this household.  And how can I forget the steadfast prayers over the years. That hedge of protection for our family and the daily time together in  his word that without hesitation keeps writing on the tablets of their souls.....perfect love casts out fear....perfect love casts out fear..........and as they grow and we journey God writes the story in his grace and I know deep down inside despite the status quo and every obstacle or set back they do SEE Jesus in their lives!

To Be Continued.............