The Hat.................. Continued Part 2

A very good friend and caseworker, for most of our adopted children, would often come to my door, for those frequent "visitations" and "home checks".  I cherished the time we spent talking and I really respected the fact that she listened to me vent and mumble through the challenges that lay before me.  Our visits could quickly turn to me venting and sharing my concerns. I had no answers, no guarantees, and no game plan for our future.  I remember her using an analogy of the onion and it's many parts. 

 She would remind me how you had to peel away at the layers to get to the core, and that was much like what we had to do with these young girls.  In time and patience, we have had to slowly allow the past layers, to be peeled away and find that core.  Never an easy task, yet the only way to approach our situation and survive.

Slowly but surely the layers have been peeling away the last five years.  I have wonderful friends in my life, who have stepped out of the box to help.  Encouragement for the days we wanted to quit, prayers to know when and how to handle obstacles, and a few who have stepped into the "relationship ring" and really connected with the girls and have made life time impacts on their little souls.  I am so grateful for the many doors God opened and how he has led this course even in the darkest moments and when my flesh wanted to quit.

THE HAT....
This past weekend, two of my daughters and I, went to the mall shopping.  At times this can be a joyous bonding experience and we have had our days of disaster when I come home feeling sorry for myself, and I just want to tear out my hair.  This day was a true delight as I walked Megan through the clothing store.  Usually her input is less or she may want to focus her thoughts in "other" areas.  She walked through the store with confidence and no fear, her conversation was in tune with ours and she had a genuine interest in being a six- year-old little girl.  These moments always have my head spinning on cloud nine and I am humbled in gratitude to God for his grace and goodness.  There were so many times, I never knew if I would be able to share these types of mommy/daughter moments with her.  She has spent many days of her little life paralyzed in fear and social settings can be very unpredictable.

 As we walked past this rack she stopped dead in her tracks and looked up,  she noticed a bright pink hat sitting up beyond her reach.  I looked her in the eyes and said "Do you want to wear this?".  The smile and the nod were worth a million bucks, and I took the hat down and put it on her head.  Her whole body shook and she smiled from ear to ear.  "Megan, do you like this hat?  Would you like to have it?" she couldn't really answer me at first.  Her head just nodded.

These are the moments when I look at my children and say without a doubt, I wouldn't want things to be any different then they are right now in the moment. I will take the good with the bad and press on.  We will press on.  

When I see Megan wearing that pink hat around the house daily, I see a free spirit with much life to live and an ability to live and reach others in the years to come. I am finding renewed faith that God is our hope and restoration.   And there are other "moments" like this that come up here and there.  I need to remember to keep myself in tune with these moments so I can see the light of God's goodness right in front of me.  If we are to busy, we can easily miss these moments. 

 

"Even the trees of the field are singing it and the girl with the shielded heart, she could turn-

Her mother, her sisters, some could hardly sing for the lump of love in the throat, but they, they could raise hands with the sisterhood, the sisterhood beckoning one girl back to the song of who she was and the circle of love that longed to enfold her again...

And they will tell you,that's when you hear it-

the girl, the father's daughter, her voice warbling like a rising, her voice singing like a brave winging, and they could see her coming, could see the girl coming, remembering the notes of her song, remembering who her father made her to be, remembering who she was and Whose she was, and how she ran like she was made to fly. "

~ Ann Voscamp

The Hat.........

April is a month of remembrance for our family.  In this month five years ago our family welcomed two precious young girls into our home through foster care and then adoption.  Their story is one they will tell in their own time and my story, is one I will share.  I see throughout the months and years how faithful God has been, and I can't help but share my greatest joys and pains on this journey of life as an adoptive mother.

 As a mother it is natural to want to give and do all things possible to help your child.  And that is what I have done for five years.  In my best efforts we have loved, given safety, and structure in our home.  My list has been continually filled with the best doctors, the best therapists, the best diet and safe medication.  Schooling and education is so very important in the mix of learning how a child's brain can often be wired, after coming out of a situation of severe abuse and neglect.  All neurological development is altered.  There are no factual concrete answers for the journey.  The labels quickly fly at you as you sit in that chair at the doctor's office.  Reactive attachment disorder, autism, ADD, ADHD, and the list goes on.  Every doctor has a new thought on how to normalize your situation.  All this factors into a big migraine and many nights of wetting the "mommy" pillow as you sit up and ponder and pray for direction.

 Your thoughts are filled with children playing, running, getting into trouble as curiousity overcomes the desire to obey. Children who have a desire to live and dance, and laugh as they grow. Children ask for food when they are hungry.   Children want a drink. Children play.  Child imagine. Children create.  They mature into a mindset that dresses, cares for, and at times, worships self.  They have instinct to ask and a yearning to live life. It all is suppose to unfold in those first years and follow into the years to come.  In the first years I saw none of that.

 In my experience, the moments have been much different.  The course much harder then I have ever dreamed.  A distance, a quiet,  confusion. Many doctor appointments and pain to fix the consequences of neglect. Instead of colorful art, I saw many dark black lines and strokes.  When abuse and neglect grab a hold of a young innocent life and make it's mark it takes "all" away.  And this mommy has seen and lived through the darkness of it's stain. The purity, innocence, and joy are gone.  Not all children enter this world into a rose garden.  Not all children enter this world into a garden of Eden.

The days are about small successes, one more hug, communication and a desire to attach to life and those surrounding the child. A big smile means so much.  A statement of liking someone and feeling safe.  The joys of celebrating when one more day has come and gone without an outburst of fear or tantrums.  A day when you see them pick up that teddy bear and smile as they hug it back, showing you that for this day they know and can understand love.  The first time they trust you to let them go on that bike w/o training wheels.  The days where you walk by their room and you catch them singing Jesus loves me this I know, because they think no one is listening. It all is counted joy around this household.  And how can I forget the steadfast prayers over the years. That hedge of protection for our family and the daily time together in  his word that without hesitation keeps writing on the tablets of their souls.....perfect love casts out fear....perfect love casts out fear..........and as they grow and we journey God writes the story in his grace and I know deep down inside despite the status quo and every obstacle or set back they do SEE Jesus in their lives!

To Be Continued.............

The weight of responsibility ............

There it is again, that planner, the calendar, the bills staring at me, and the messages that need a response.  Every morning, creeping down the steps in high hopes, of getting that first sip of coffee before one of the little boys comes barreling downstairs to break the silence.  I am quickly reminded of my life responsibility.  A journey my husband and I are on, called life.  There is no book or organizational plan that can solve this puzzle.  There is no magical solution that can come in and make it calm and predictable, leaving me with a dose of "ME" time to lavish and loath.  Life is a race that requires discipline, dedication, hard work, and the passion to not quit.

All around this worldly place we are told if you work this hard, dedicate this amount of time, choose this direction, you deserve success, happiness, self approval, recognition for your achievements. But what about the times when life is hard and you have no control. You have no answers.  There are times when the responsibility seems too great.   You wonder how you are going to make it through one day. God wants you to move, but you want to stay. Relationships seem to fall apart. Illness and disease creep up on the ones you love. God shows you suffering and you are broken in half with a desire to help make a change.  Those around you don't truly understand your heart's burden.  The sense of hope fading slowly.  That sense of responsibility we all feel to some extent can be crushing to the spirit.

And in his still quiet voice he reminds me of his presence through the minute by minute steps.  I am consumed with a love and a joy beyond my understanding, that takes me to a place where no matter what "Jehovah Jireh" (my provider) is in control of it ALL!

Isaiah 26: 3
You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.

James 1:2-5
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trails of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverence.  Perseverence must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

And for a minute I am reminded to stop "everything" and count my blessings in the right here and now!